The blood releases from my veins as I watch her back intently. I wait for her to continue the sentence, but I already know. It's the wrong thing I want to hear. My body turns numb, her words unintelligable against my heartbeat. Though I can not see her, I hear her lips move in the pattern of the words. Those words I can not hear, nor bare. She stops now. I can feel the dead silence. She was dreading this moment; the time in which she would tell me. My breathing comes to a halt as I comprehend what has happened. I stare at the back of her brown waves, only to turn away in dispair. But I needed this. More than anything, it was nessacary for me to listen to the news and come back to reality. How could I have been such a fool as to believe for one second he cared? She comes back-that damned subconcious of mine. The pessimistic one.
"Told you so...." she mutters.
I search for my other voice, but she is not there. Suddenly, I don't care. Nothing holds my appeal-everything has become trivial. She notices my quiet state and turns around. Immediently, she knows I am devistated.
"I'm fine...." I say, but we both know it's a lie.
"You're upset, Maddy. I can see it in your face. And your eyes...."
I look away with a grimance, trying to hide the pain, though she's already seen it. Tears brime on my eyes, but I hold them back. She can't see me cry-no one does. Over the years, I had learned that people seeing someone as strongwilled as myself cry made them uncomfortable. A long time ago, someone had said how it was almost disrespectful to watch me shed tears. Why should I cry? It was just a crush...Wasn't it? Of course. What else would it be? As I feel my heart stop, I pull over a lie. How convincing I want it to be. I smile and pretend my heart isn't in ruins. That for once in my life, I choose to love stupidly without a care. I should have known his feelings would never be the same. She sees through the ruse. I wish she would understand how needy I become when in sadness. Instead of talks and cries, she sends me home...by myself. I can not be alone. Not now. But I leave anyway. I become angry. How dare he! To lead me on as he did was a crime! Every word out of his mouth was a lie! Tears evade me as I clomp around the house in my rage. And then the unbelievable happens. He appears, with my other friend, standing outside my home. My heart freezes again as it drops down. The dogs bark and nip at their new fond friends. I panick and quickly dial her number. No answer. I spy from the window above, stuck in a rut of fear. The phone vibrates.
"Hello?"
"He's here. He's standing outside. With T****"
"What?"
"I'm upset! I feel like I'm going to cry, and I don't know what to do!"
"I'll be right there"
She runs to my house as I wait in the story above. I see her walk up to them. They confront one other. It seems friendly still. I don't hear the words. He leaves back to his home. I stare and watch as she scolds her loved one. He turns away, walking towards his own house. She rings the doorbell. I ask what happened.
"Nothing, really. They just went home."
We chat like we normally do. I try to forget, but know I can not. We spend the hours together, back at her residence. She walks me home after the sun has long set. The roar of the sedan can be heard up the hill. T**** steps out of his car, and walks over to where we stand. It's normal at first, our silly banter. And then he looks at me.
"I'm sorry."
I stare, taken aback. I deciede to play dumb, only to be called out on it.
Then I smile, and say how it wasn't a big deal. I laugh and say through my teeth that I could care less. I lie. He believes it, and I think she does too. I leave them to their own and walk to the house. I stumble in and climb to my room. I distract myself for a bit longer with the non-essential: facebook, computer, music. But nothing holds an intrest. I sleep, knowing my dreams will be haunting. And then I wake in the morning from the horriable nightmare. I ignore what has happened, and continue my day as if it were normal. I talk to T**** and L****. We even take a walk. He is not there. Some part of me is relieved, while the other mourns in silence. T**** brouches the subject alone. He says it's all fine, and that nothing has changed; That our friend was okay with everything. But no one knows that I'm broken in pieces. I leave for my father's and spend the rest of my evening with him. Only until now do I feel the true pain. The sharpened sting of rejection rings in my ears. My heart spurts drops of poisoned blood as it tries to heal. I know it will take forever for that to happen. My sense has returned, and I'm back on Earth again. But why is it that after a day, I've finally been able to cry? I shut my eyes tight, feeling the warm tears against my cheeks and the first dose of true heartbreak on my soul.